ESPRESSO YOURSELF

Early last month: I stay in a hotel in Scottsdale with a cool little espresso maker in my room. I drink fifteen thousand of them because they are free and the process to make them is easy and at no point am I able to shut my eyes while in the state of Arizona. When I leave the following morning, I'm pretty sure I'm capable of flying to my next stop under my own steam.

The rest of last month: Hem and haw over whether or not I should buy the cool little espresso maker. In terms of espresso makers, they're on the cheap end and the end result is professional-grade. Look in stores like Williams-Sonoma for the model I want. They have it, but I would have to join Nespresso Club to get actual coffee pods. This smacks of far too much effort.

Early this month: Watch an ad for Nespresso and pull up their website. Learn that if I want to even see what varieties of coffee pods they offer, I have to sign up for the Nespresso Club. I equate this with joining a gang - easy to get in, impossible to get out. Declare shenanigans and log off. Haunted by Nespresso ads every time I log on after this. Annoyed. Determined to NOT buy Nespresso maker due to level of annoyance.

Last week: Take an Ambien and bring iPad into bedroom.

Yesterday morning: Ambien-order-induced espresso machine and pods arrive from Amazon, as do a bottle of exotic gardenia scented shampoo, a very large leopard print bra, SPF 4 tanning oil, twenty four rollerball pens, and homeopathic pills to treat my non-existent yeast infection.

Yesterday noon: Set up machine and take for a test run. Ooh! As fast as I remember! Just press a button and then, bang! Espresso! Mmm! Tasty-delicious!

Yesterday afternoon: But they're so small! And so quick to make! I could stand here debating about having one more espresso, or I could pop in a pod and think about this over a wee cup of paradise! Granted, I can see my heart beating outside of my chest, but that's probably really aerobic and healthy!

Yesterday after dinner: Come on, another one's not going to bother me!!! I'm not impacted by caffeine like I used to be!!! I can handle it!!! WHO WANTS TO WRESTLE???

Last night at midnight:

Me - "Hey, Fletch, do you feel like taking a run right now? Because I kind of feel like taking a run!! Maybe do some windsprints up and down the driveway???"

Fletch - "No! Can't run! No running!! Too busy looking at espresso serving options on iPad! See! We can get the demitasse!Or the regular espresso mug!Or a cappuccino mug!Ooh, let's find the Lavazza ones they have at Inovasi with the logo!Those would be perfect!Yes!We'll do that!Orwecouldgetthemall!!"

Me - "Yes!! Okay, you do that and I'm going to run the stairs and then paint the garage door!"

Earlier this morning: Going online to join stupid club to order decaf pods after sleepless night.

Right now: In two espresso deep and it's not even 9:00 AM. Switching my order to next day delivery.

*This is not a sponsored post because I don't do those. Yet I would be willing to sell my firstborn for pods! pods! more pods! which is fairly ironic if you think about it.