ABOUT ME

FIRST, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I'M KIND OF LAZY.
INSTEAD OF CRAFTING MY OWN BIO, 
I SWIPED ONE MY PUBLICIST WROTE ABOUT ME.  
ACCORDING TO HER, I'M...
Photoshopped Jen

“…the New York Times bestselling author of nine memoirs and five adult novels and one YA book.  [Am possibly less lazy than I claim.]  She has sold well over a million books.  [Maybe more.  I should check.]  Jen has appeared on The Today Show [I drank wine with Kathie Lee and Hoda!!], The Joy Behar Show, and Fox News Live.

 

After a corporate layoff in 2001, down on her luck, and stuck selling off cars, jewelry, and designer purses, [which sucked, FYI] Jen launched a website to air her frustrations about unemployment.  She began detailing her descent from designer clothing and spa visits to the unemployment line on her blog jennsylvania.com. 

 

Her acerbic wit quickly won the blog a massive following.  Jen’s first memoir, Bitter is the New Black, was published by the Penguin Random House imprint NAL in 2006. Since then, she has published [at least] one book a year and her memoir The Tao of Martha was optioned for a sitcom by FOX.”

BUT LET'S BE HONEST HERE...

 

THE ABOVE TELLS YOU WHAT I DO, NOT WHO I AM

I always wear pearls, even at the gym, in the pool, or while refinishing furniture.

 

I'm obsessed with fast cars, but they're wasted on me because I drive slowly.  So very slowly.  

Anyone who passes me is shocked I'm not eighty years old.  

(Given my newfound love of water aerobics, I actually am, too.)

 

I'm deeply squigged out by public bathrooms, no matter how clean, yet I have no problem

sharing a Popsicle with my pit bulls. 

 

I loved the city of Chicago until I moved to the ‘burbs and now I act like I'm being waterboarded

every time I'm forced to go downtown. 

 

I believe in the Oxford comma and God help anyone who doesn’t double-space at the end of a period. Am a grammar Nazi, except I still make rookie mistakes on stuff like less/fewer, further/farther, and prepositional phrasing.  (Never, ever underestimate the value of a good editor.) 

 

I live for anything Union Jack-embossed, but bought none in London because I felt like an asshole. 

 

I adore 1990s gangster rap, even though I’m coming to you straight outta Lake Forest. 

 

Every memoir I write is a love letter to my husband Fletch, despite his never actually reading my books.  (“I don’t have to read them, I live them,” he says.)

 

Nothing makes me happier than having something to complain about.  Righteous indignation,

you're my favorite indignation of all.

SO NOW YOU KNOW
Unretouched Jen